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<H1>[Mageia-marketing] Installer texts</H1>
<B>Bradley D. Thornton</B>
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TITLE="[Mageia-marketing] Installer texts">Bradley at NorthTech.US
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<I>Mon Mar 12 14:02:43 CET 2012</I>
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<PRE>-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: RIPEMD160
On 03/12/2012 03:37 AM, Patricia Fraser wrote:
><i> Hi folks,
</I>><i>
</I>><i> I've taken Esteban's texts (thanks Esteban!), edited and added a bit;
</I>><i> if everyone's happy with these, just pick what we need and go for it:
</I>><i>
</I>><i> ----
</I>><i> Mageia isn't just a Linux distribution: it's a community of users,
</I>><i> developers and advocates from all around the world. Join us!
</I>><i>
</I>><i> Free software means freedom to choose. Gear up your desktop with the
</I>><i> elegant KDE, the revolutionary Gnome or the lightweight LXDE.
</I>
I just have a problem with the word *elegant* there before KDE. To me it
has a 'contrived' feeling, like putting a square peg in a round hole.
Perhaps some other adjective?
I also offered up a variant of this copy in my earlier post too. Give a
gander there and see if there's anything you might want to merge in or
juxtapose within.
I think we were both taken aback a little at the "If drawing is part of
your everyday job..." copy ;)
><i>
</I>><i> Mageia's Control Center gives you easy, accessible control over your
</I>><i> computer - hardware, software and all kinds of setup, all in one place.
</I>
*all kinds of setup* - Either this doesn't seem grammatically correct or
it's just too colloquial.
'and all manner of preferred configuration[s], all in one [easy to
operate] place' ???
*Control* is used twice in the same sentance, maybe "...configuration of
your computer..." ???
><i>
</I>><i> For great 2D or 3D graphics, Mageia's standard packages help you create
</I>><i> raster or vector graphics or 3D animations - and then there's video
</I>><i> editing...
</I>
Daddy like ;) If anything, maybe consider s/great/outstanding ???
I like BIG adjectives LOL!
><i>
</I>><i> Write great documents, analyse your data and create great business
</I>><i> presentations with the office suite LibreOffice.
</I>
*Great* is used twice in the same sentence. Check out the similar blurb
I offered up in the previous post for possible variations of this verbiage.
><i>
</I>><i> Browse the web, check your email, chat with your friends; Mageia
</I>><i> includes all the applications you need.
</I>
hm... maybe something like, "...includes all of your favorite social
applications, right at your fingertips!", or "...includes all the social
applications..." or "...includes all the communications applications..."
And I dunno, but *need*.... hm... desire, want, are used to, demand, or
maybe...
"...includes all of the [social|communications] applications you're
already familiar with".
*need* doesn't quite have the oomph I want to feel there.
><i>
</I>><i> Code, compile, debug and package - Mageia puts all the development
</I>><i> applications and tools at your fingertips.
</I>
Fantastic :) or mabye something like "...puts an entire universe of
development...", or, "...a complete universe of...", etc.
Anyway, I hope that helps!
Kindest regards,
- --
Bradley D. Thornton
Manager Network Services
NorthTech Computer
TEL: +1.310.388.9469 (US)
TEL: +44.203.318.2755 (UK)
TEL: +41.43.508.05.10 (CH)
<A HREF="http://NorthTech.US">http://NorthTech.US</A>
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